Stephen Colbert Has Cake Toppers For Right-Wing Homophobes’ Worst Nightmare Marriages

Friday night’s hilarious episode of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert took Ben Carson, Kim Davis, and Rep. Steve King to task for their bizarre claims about what same-sex marriage could lead to. Colbert said:

“I think everyone should love whoever they want. So, I was miffed when Kentucky County Clerk and forehead magnate Kim Davis refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. But I also felt bad for her when that judge sent her to jail and even worse when she was sentenced to send an afternoon with Mike Huckabee. It’s cruel and unusual.”

Kim Davis and her hypocritical stance on the sanctity of marriage aren’t alone in this homophobic wonderland of bigotry. Colbert mentioned Iowa Congressman Steve King, who recently compared same-sex marriage to marrying a lawn mower:

“While introducing Mike Huckabee at a campaign event just this summer, King criticized the Supreme Court’s ruling that legalized gay marriage by claiming it means ‘You can marry my lawn mower.’ It makes sense, I mean, who hasn’t looked at a manifold on a two stroke Toro and thought ‘damn, I wouldn’t mind yankin’ that cord!'”

Remember, King is an actual Congressman, Colbert reminded his audience. This guy isn’t your everyday street preacher.

“He has sound legal backing for his theories. It’s some guy he met. He says ‘I had a … lawyer tell me… what it brings about is: It only requires one human being in this relationship — that you could marry your lawnmower with this decision. I think he’s right.’ Yes, the Supreme Court’s decision was very clear. Marriage is between one man, and any other noun. I’m not surprised, my college roommate was in a common law marriage with a tube sock.”

Because so many bigots are refusing to help with same-sex weddings, make cakes, issue marriage licenses, and generally being downers, Colbert asked who had the bravery and determination to ensure services for Rep. King’s nightmare marriage scenarios. “I will,” Colbert graciously volunteered.

Thus forming The Stephen Colbert’s All-Inclusive Wedding Cake Toppers for any marriage imaginable.

“You got the classic three women, two men. Where one man is married to two of the women and the other man is married to the other woman but his wife is also married to one of the other two wives… Coming this fall to TLC.”

“But if Steve King and Ben Carson are right, I have to be ready for any eventuality!” Colbert exclaimed, licking wedding cake frosting from of his fingers. “Which is why I’m also introducing cake toppers for a man and a ghost, a man and a box turtle, 15 babies in top-hats, the Eiffel Tower and Dora the explorer” and there are more.

This is what happens when the right-wing starts to make stuff up. No attorney worth any money would tell Rep. Steve King that you can marry your lawn mower. He clearly isn’t as intelligent as the U.S. Supreme Court, but that arrogance and nonsense doesn’t seem to stop him from pretending to be a Constitutional scholar advising a member of the U.S. House of Representatives.

The whole thing reminds me about what Republican S.E. Cupp said on Bill Maher last night when she talked about how Ben Carson is a scientist, he’s a doctor, for him not to believe in science is disconcerting. The same is true for a lawyer or a lawmaker. You should be intelligent enough to understand the laws of the land if you’re going to write or pass them. Seems Rep. Steve King and his lawyer friend are neither.

Check out the video below:


Feature image via video capture.