Heavily-Armed Man Claiming To Be Jesus Arrested After Plotting To Kidnap Obama’s Dog

A North Dakota man was arrested Wednesday after having driven to Washington, DC with one goal in mind — getting himself a new dog. But the crazed ammosexual didn’t want just any dog — he wanted Bo, the First Dog of the United States. Responding to a tip from the Secret Service, police tracked the would-be dog-napper down at a Hampton Inn near the Washington Convention Center.

Scott D. Stockert, 49, of Dickinson, N.D., told police that he was armed, directing them to his pickup truck where he kept a 12-gauge pump shotgun and a bolt-action .22-caliber rifle. In addition, police found a billy club, a machete with a 12-inch blade, and 350 rounds of ammunition. He was arrested and charged with carrying a rifle or shotgun outside his home or business, which is illegal in the District of Columbia.

After his arrest, Stockert told police that he was Jesus Christ, that he was the son of John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe, and expressed displeasure with the Affordable Care Act. Stockert — or Jesus, depending on whether or not you believe him — says that he was in town to a.) kidnap Bo and b.) to announce his planned run for President and a $99 per month insurance plan.

“You picked the wrong person to mess with,” he told agents as he was arrested. “I will f*ck your world up.”

On Friday at Jesus’ preliminary hearing, a judge ordered him released into a high-intensity supervision program pending a court date to be set later. Stockert is not permitted to possess any weapons — real or imitation — or to go near the White House or Capitol.

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Court documents don’t specify why he wanted to kidnap the dog, but one thing is for certain — Bo is safe for another day. As for Stockert’s presidential campaign… Well, he’s already had more ideas than the entire Republican field combined. Maybe he can be the man to oust Trump as the frontrunner. After all, has The Donald tried to kidnap Obama’s dog? Think about it, Trump fans.

Featured image via JustJared