The latest listing of the Forbes 400 should be out soon; and now we know why Charles and David Koch, and their lesser known brother Bill, have been so deeply concerned about the direction our country is heading. No wonder they donate tens of millions of dollars to all kinds of right-wing political causes. You can’t trick the Koch brothers. They know President Obama is a commie! That’s why the stock market is plunging.
What? How in god’s name has it gone up 8,000 points since a low in 2009?
Okay—well, what about when Mr. Obama pushed through that 3% tax increase on the wealthiest Americans? Don’t poor, hard-working folk like Charles and David and Bill deserve to hold on to every penny they’ve ever made, because they work harder than normal people and earn every cent by the sweat of their brows?
With communism on the march in America today, it’s no wonder Charles and David each increased his personal wealth by $9 billion last year, to $34 billion apiece.
(They probably make fun of their loser brother Bill when he’s not around. He’s an embarrassment with a personal fortune of only $4 billion.)
Yes, the brothers have had a very, very, very tough year. And the Black Boogie Man is still sitting in the Oval Office, waiting to get them.
There were 8,784 hours in 2012, counting February 29.
If we do the math, the hard-working Charles and the hard-working David each earned a little more than $1 million every hour, even while sleeping. To be exact, they were richer by $1,024,590 every time the big cuckoo clock in the hall struck off an hour. If David stepped into the shower for ten minutes he exited smelling fresher and richer by almost $171,000.
If he stopped to floss his teeth for sixty seconds he was $17,706 richer by the time he was done.
If Charles spent three-and-a-half hours on a Sunday afternoon, eating chips and dip and watching the Kansas City Chiefs play the San Diego Chargers, by the time he reached the bottom of the bowl he would be $3,586,065 richer. In the time he spent on the toilet at halftime—let’s say one minute, forty-five seconds—he made $29,884.
Well, you can’t put anything past these brothers. There are politicians in America, for example, who want to stir class warfare and raise the minimum wage to $9 per hour! Or give the working poor health coverage. Bah, these politicians are socialists or communists. No way can you expect hard-working people like the Koch brothers or the Walton family to pay higher wages! That’s class warfare, don’t you see? That’s a dirty, low-down attack on the rich, who work harder than average folks do.
An increase of a $1.25 per hour on the minimum wage means a worker who put in 2,000 hours a year would earn $2,500 more.
It would take David Koch roughly 9 seconds to earn that much.
Put it another way: we have to cut taxes, because hard-working billionaires are just getting killed; and if you don’t cut taxes they’ll never create good jobs again. (Don’t you watch Fox News?). Okay, sure, David Koch makes as much in one hour as twenty-five new first-grade teachers make in a year.
That’s because David works harder!
Charles made as much in one day in 2012 as 498 electricians—or 614 carpenters—made in all of 2012.
And didn’t Charles work harder, too?
Well, with communism just around the corner, or somewhere down the road, it’s hard to tell, since President Obama has now been in office for more than four years–well, let’s just hope the superrich can enjoy the ride while it lasts. In 2012, we know they did. Rounding out the list of the richest Americans we have:
Bill Gates: $67 billion
Warren Buffett: $53.5 billion
Larry Ellison: $43 billion (up $7 billion in 2012)
Christy Walton: $28.2 billion
Michael R. Bloomberg: $27 billion
Jim Walton: $26.7 billion
Sheldon Adelson: $26.5 billion (so donating at least $53 million to GOP campaigns in 2012 didn’t kill him.)
Alice Walton: $26.3 billion
Robson Walton: $26.1 billion
Jeff Bezos: $25.2 billion
Larry Page: $23 billion
Of course, we all know the problem in America is greedy workers—and greedy union workers, like cops and plumbers and the men and women who work at Caterpillar and Hostess (now closed) are the worst! (Again, don’t you watch Fox News?) And what about those Wal-Mart employees trying to organize and demand higher wages and benefits!
Communism, I tell you.