Conservatives Think The Bible Is Too Liberal So They’re Rewriting It (VIDEO)

'Conservapedia' seeks to crowd source right-wing version of the Bible.

HELP WANTED for the most epic crowdsourced project ever. ‘Conservapedia’ needs ‘best of the public’ to write new version of the Bible. No Aramaic necessary. Tea Party Jesus photo collage by Elisabeth Parker for Addicting Info. With apologies to “Dogma” and Buddy Christ.

There are currently more than 80 different versions of the Christian Bible in print in the United States. All sects have their own interpretations and variances of the original text. Conservapedia.com, a right wing group founded by Andy Schlafly, son of anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly, thinks the bibles you can get now are too liberal. They don’t capture the true spirit of Christ. Otherwise known as Republican Jesus. So they are re-wording the Bible and they want your help to do it.

All hail Conservapedia!

AlterNet reports Schlafly and Conservapedia  has asked the “best of the public” to help in re-wording the original text of the Bible. And by “re-wording” the Bible, what this group of wing nuts really wants is to re-write the Bible or omit passages altogether.

Never mind if you can’t translate Aramaic, Greek or Hebrew. That’s not a necessity.

For example; remember the passage “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone” (John 7:53-8:11)? Well, that’s far too liberal for Conservapedia’s version. It hasn’t been re-written. It’s been removed.

Oh, and the one you may want to wish upon this group for their actions, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Yeah, that ones been cut too.

“The simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing,” Schlafly  points out, proving that, “Jesus might never had said it at all.” And why shouldn’t we believe him?

He is, after all, no one of any significance in all of human history. Just some guy who was raised by an Ayn Rand disciple. Who now happens to be recruiting the Tea Party patriots, right-wing religious zealots and the general public to re-write the word of God and the gospels of His Son as told by Jesus’ disciples. No big deal.

Schlafly, of course, retains final editorial privilege. Some would think that final edit would be a God thing but they would be wrong. It’s a Republican thing. Can’t have you worshipping false idols.

Conservapedia’s version of God loves capitalism.

God or Republican Jesus or Conservapedia or the GOP. It’s all the same thing. You can tell by the following passage:

“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:24).

Wait. No. Not that one. Change “rich” to “fully fed and entertained.”

There. That’s much better, don’t you think? Well Conservapedia does. And what the Right Wing thinks is the only thing that matters. They have all the money. They get to change the rules.

From God’s word to Conservapedia’s scripture.

“Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth” has been altered to “Blessed are the God-fearing”. Because we can’t have conservatives thinking their hoarding of goods and cash acquired by exploiting those meek could affect their transcendence into heaven.

When Jesus greets his disciples with, “Peace be with you” (John 20, 26), that’s been changed to, “Peace of mind be with you,” because the original is too passive. Can’t have anyone thinking Jesus was a pacifist, now can we?

Likewise where Jesus says, “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but to save it” (John 3, 17), Conservapedia changes “world” to “mankind,” so it is clear the Christian savior is not advocating environmentalism here. Hey! You can’t be too careful! Conservapedia Republican Jesus says, Drill baby, drill.

As you may have guessed, Conservapedia.com is the place to go for the modern conservative. Let’s face it, this site is where they actually construct the bubble the right-wing resides in. Well, now that bubble rests at the base of a cross. And not some carpenter’s cross. Oh no. This is a designer cross. Couture. No blasphemous union labor either.

What can you do to help the Conservapedia Bible project?

While the Bible project has been ongoing for quite some time there is still plenty to be done. The books of Numbers, Lamentations and Amos are all still available for tweaking to better reflect American conservative capitalist world domination values.

I’m sure Numbers will be taken on by either one of the GOP’s accounting firms or Conservapedia’s resident Economist Jesus. Amos’ social injustice protests really need a facelift anyway. A prophet’s abolition of income inequality? Of actual morality in place of ritual spirituality? No, no, no. That cannot be accurate.

No need to lament though. It will all be fixed. Lamentations, after all, doesn’t have a specified author. So a little re-work shouldn’t offend. Conservapedia will just remove a poem or two and add in something more appropriate. It’s still the Bible. A Conservapedia Bible. Like a movie that’s based on a true story. Just a few alterations and edits for dramatic purposes. No big deal.

They even need a re-write on Leviticus. You may be familiar with Leviticus. That’s the book of the Bible’s Old Testament that says a man shall not lie with another man. The verse that Phil Robertson has been in the news over. Leviticus is also the book of the Bible that says no tattoos or shellfish. It’s got fire and brimstone and altars. Animal sacrifices, blood offerings. You know, all that stuff that doesn’t apply to us anymore.

Well, not until Conservapedia needs it to condemn those who are not righteous. Like, the poor, the sick, the gay, the racial abominations. The LIBERAL. All those not of the chosen people. No! Not the chosen people of Israel. The chosen people of Income.

If you don’t prescribe to modern day Conservatism then you’re not going to Heaven. Republican Jesus Heaven. That’s what this new Conservapedia Bible is all about. A simple re-wording to better reflect modern day conservatism. You know. What God REALLY meant.

How do you know the Conservapedia Bible isn’t what God meant?

“Finally, when Jesus admonishes hypocrites to, ‘Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye,’ the conservative Bible replaces the word ‘hypocrite’ with ‘deceiver,’ since hypocrite is often ‘misused politically against Christians.’”

Is it just me or is the idea of yet another Bible interpretation completely insane? The original text has been translated, mis-translated, abridged, amended, altered, edited and deluded to the point of complete loss of meaning.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know Christianity’s origins? Well, we know where religion and Christianity comes from but you can bet your crown of thorns you’ll never see any of this in Conservapedia. Because from where religion comes and the covenants of morality within the Bible aren’t really where Conservapedia is going. But the video is worth watching. This article is worth sharing. The debate over this abomination of Christian beliefs is worth having.

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