Conservatives all over the United States are still stunned today after Mitt Romney’s loss to President Obama last night. While they analyze the data to try and figure out the flaw in their platform of tax avoidance and forced pregnancy, we can look at the immediate problems some of the major players on the right are facing.
1) Donald Trump’s hairpiece emigrates to Caymans: Soon after hotelier and TV frowner Donald Trump lost his mind on Twitter calling for “revolution,” he lost his toupée as well. After being informed of its former owner’s outburst, the wig had simply had enough,” I’m the most expensive, classiest hair replacement system that money can buy. I don’t need this garbage. He wants a revolution? Yeah, good luck with that.” The toupée quickly booked a private jet to Grand Cayman, and reports he had no problem getting out of the country. “Booking a flight was easy,” the hairpiece said from his new beachfront home, “The hard part was flying so soon after surgery…I just had a wart removed from my ass. Ha!”
2) Karl Rove plans to hitch-hike through the state of Ohio: An angry and frustrated Karl Rove, still unwilling to accept Fox News’ numbers showing Obama won that state, announces his intention to canvas Ohio door-to-door. Even though he was informed that a reversal wouldn’t change the ultimate outcome of the election, Rove insisted that his math showed that not only is Mitt Romney the real winner of the election, but that Lebron James is still legally a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers, making them the defending champions of the National Basketball Association.
3) Hosts of ‘Fox & Friends predict long lines for forced gay marriage and lower-quality weed: Hosts of the perpetually sunny Fox morning program Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade have resigned themselves to being forced into a same-sex marriage, but bemoan the long “Canada-style” waits that will delay them from their planned honeymoon trip to ‘Dollywood.’ And Gretchen Carlson has a warning of the dangers of legalized marijuana for Washington state and Colorado, “Government regulation on pot-growers will mean the end of the truly kine nugs…Have you ever scored ‘nanny-state’ weed? It’s terrible. And when Obama eventually turns the U.S. into a ‘European-style socialist state, when we want a dime-bag,will we be forced to call our supplier and ask for a Euro-bag? I’m afraid for my country.”
4) A quick summary of the reactions from conservative pundits: If you had one word to describe your initial response to the news that Barack Obama will be the president term, what would it be?