Republican Jesus’ Ten Commandments

Author: May 20, 2013 12:01 am
And Lo, did Republican Jesus come down among the masses and holding his tablet PC did he give unto his disciples the NEW (and improved) Ten Commandments: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Socialism, out of the house of Communism.”

1. You shall have no other gods before me, especially that terrorist monkey god, Mohammed.[i]

2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them except for the Holy Benjamins. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting poverty of the fathers on the children of those (as in those people) who hate me, but showering material riches unto thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Also, you shall have guns. All you want.

3. You shall not take the name of your God, Ronald Reagan, in vain, for the Lord will hold him guiltless of treason and malfeasance.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. If you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, six days you shall labor and do all your work, that should just about do it for the year[ii], but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor the stranger who is within your country illegally unless they are off the books then they shall work all seven days without respite. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, including dinosaur bones and rested the seventh day.

5. Honor your father and your mother by ensuring that they keep their Social Security even as you shall taketh it away from all others.

6. You shall not murder unless they are Muslim. Or gay. Or abortion doctors. Or government workers. Or black. Or whatever group is currently out of favor with mine chosen White (not white, White) People.

7. You shall not commit adultery and get caught during an election year.

8. You shall not steal unless it’s from the worker’s pensions.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Just kidding, Fox News. Go forth and bear away.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. Instead, you shall go forth and buy these things for yourself on credit and keep the “too big to fail” banks happy.

And thus did Republican Jesus™ lead his Chosen White people to that paradise on earth known as Somalia where they did not have to render unto Caesar anything and freedom showered from the heavens like Manna.

And then they all died of dysentery.

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14 Comments

  • Shouldn’t Fox News actually be tax-exempt?

  • Yea. Verily.

  • indie in Ct

    HEY GOP/ Tp’rs Bible-thumpers and holier-thou’s. PLEASE answer me this question: On the day of your reckoning, as you stand before God, WHAT will be your answer when he asks you WHY you treated your fellow man the way you did? I also think he’ll tell you his son Jesus will have some questions for you. And Remember this — and REMEMBER IT WELL — Jesus was a Progressive !!

  • indie in Ct

    IF the GOP wins the Nov election(s) Takes the POTUS, takes the senate. On Jan 21st 2013, in addition to the *NEW* ten commandments, there will also be a new version of the Pledge of Allegiance! It will read as follows:
    “I Pledge allegiance to the United States of America. And to the Corporations, for which it stands, One nation Under Grover Norquist, With Liberty and justice for only those that can afford it”

  • LOL – Excellent!

  • The GOPTP worships Ayn Rand and are deceiving “Christians”.

    YOU CANNOT SERVE BOTH JESUS CHRIST AND AYN RAND.

  • Henry Rinehart

    And let’s not forget Republican Jesus(tm)new Beatitudes–

    Blessed are the warmakers, for they shall be called the Children of the Military-Industrial Complex, and they shall become rich.

    Blessed are the Poor, for they shall be servants to the Rich forever and ever, world without end.

    Blessed are they that mourn, for they prove the ascendency of the Military-Industrial Complex, that it is powerful.

    Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after wealth, for they shall believe anything the rich do tell them.

    Blessed are the meek, for they shall fertilize the Earth for the wealthy.

    Blessed are the powerful, for they deserve their positions, and owe nothing to the meek, the hungry, and they who mourn.

    Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after power, and nothing that they do shall be held against them.

    Blessed are the pure in Power, for they shall be the voices of the Military-Industrial Complex, and they shall see It.

    Blessed are they which persecute others for self-righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of the Military-Industrial Complex.

    Amen.

  • Their alleged Jesus guy would line em up and kick each squarely in the scrotum for being unchristlike. yes they all have scrota, except those 2. or so. hmmm….. tongue thingie. like a clamp on it for 20 yrs. same effect, can’t talk their usual crapture for a while. ahh, peace & quiet.

  • I love this so true.. I wish it could be posted on FOX News!

    The first thing that Republican and Really all Christians forget is the first commandment..

    They are all hypocrites that worship the god of GREEN!

    • Actually, some Christians are in line with Christ’s teachings… Don’t lump us all together.

      • kristine rizzuto

        If you are not all the same where are the “real” Christians hiding? It has been decades since I have seen an honest to god NICE christian. It makes me ill. I remember the church that my grandmother took me to, and I remember the Jesus I was taught… it’s a damn shame what has been done to the church. If you are not like them then stand up and cast them from your midst or be eternally damned and associated with them!

      • But are any *Republican* Christians following Christ’s teachings? Can you honestly believe in feeding the hungry and helping the poor and disadvantaged, but still vote for pro-rich, anti-compassion, bigoted politicians?

        I feel the same way when someone tells me that not all Catholics are anti-woman. Well…you may not *feel* that way, but if you were really acting at all in line with your stated beliefs, you couldn’t be a practicing Catholic (that they would accept, anyway).

        Or as my Grandma used to say, actions speak louder than words.

  • richard ralston

    this would be truly hilarious if it were’nt so close to the truth. Often I wonder how so many who think they are so close to the Lord the”religious right” think they can continue to mock the Lord thy God I npray for them constantly to be shown the errors in their ways. Hopefully, someday theyll see the light before they truly go into that light. Be Blessed! To me it';s easy to see Jesus was a Liberal But may the Lord of your Understanding preside in your heart!!

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