10 Things GOP Candidates Can Do With The Extra Hour On Sunday

Daylight Savings Time comes to an end on Sunday, just in the nick of time for Republican candidates. With the primaries inching closer every day, they need all the time they can get to prepare for the next round of mud-slinging, poor-hating, minority-bashing, hate-fests that are just around the corner.

An extra hour on Sunday isn’t something that the Republicans can afford to waste, so in the interest of comradery here are some suggestions on how they can spend that time wisely:

10.) Make a list of who is still running. It has to get confusing to keep looking around and seeing people polling lower than “margin of error” still standing there at debates. Use that hour to get to know your fellow lunatics.

9.) Work on your concession speech. Chances are you’re going to need it. If you do happen to win the GOP nomination you can save it for the general election.

8.) Start whining about why the next debate will be unfair. The slug-fests that have occurred so far definitely have nothing to do with the fact that there’s ten of you on stage and that all you can do is insult each other. It’s time to let these moderators know that you want more than 7 minutes each in the 2-hour format you demanded.

7.) Study some math and adjust your campaign accordingly. Specifically where number eight is concerned, but while you’re at it, see if you can get zero to equal less than zero. or more than zero. Apply the answer to your chances of being President.

6.) Find a way to tie Benghazi to Planned Parenthood. What if…the terrorists were upset over the Planned Parenthood videos? No, you can’t change history but if you say “Benghazi” and “Planned Parenthood” enough times in the same sentence, the morons who vote Republican will make their own connections. They’re like those mice who always find the cheese no matter where you put them in the maze.

5.) Think of something scary. Americans are wising up to the whole “I’ll keep you safe from terrorism” trick Republicans like to use, especially since the last guy’s idea of “keeping us safe” was going to war with a country that had nothing to do with terrorism. Without fear, conservatives won’t vote for you. There has to be an ebola out there, use the hour and find it.

4.) Learn what “socialism” is. The Nazis are a bad example. The Soviet Union is the WORST example. Mostly because even though Jeb Bush seems to disagree, it doesn’t exist. Just because you have decided to pander to idiots who can’t read doesn’t mean you won’t need the votes of educated people eventually.

3.) Revise your tax plan. Not a single viable plan has been introduced by a Republican candidate. Every last one has unanswered questions, massive deficit issues and a lean towards further wealth inequality. Nobody wants to hear you explain — again — why giving money to rich people will help create jobs and stimulate the economy. You’re lying. Cut it out.

2.) Take a nap. Chances are the hour isn’t going to help you, because your campaign is a joke. Your chances of being President are about the same as your chances of becoming a decent human being who cares about anything other than cold, hard cash.

1.) Make the call and drop out. You’re embarrassing yourself. Your party looks foolish. To have so many candidates that your debates need an undercard is not only ridiculous, it’s a travesty to people whose job it is to watch this crap and find something interesting to write about. Do it. America needs you to.

It’s amazing the kind of things that could be accomplished in just one hour.

Featured image via KUIK